I recently (randomly) checked out a friend's blog for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was because I was surfing the net with no purpose (read: Facebook). Perhaps it was because I have 3 drinks in me and am feeling emotional. Sue me. Either way, my life at this point in time lead me to this blog about change.
Change scares me.
A lot.
I live very much in a black and white world....yet I call myself Grey. Go figure.
I like things in order. I like tradition. I like other people and things to stay the way they're put since it's convenient and proper to me. Only if I change them myself or I "allow" them to change do I accept it without qualms. Selfish much?
I think I'm this way because I grew up as a Momma's Boy where my Mom just so happened to be extremely "black and white." Clearly, I was destined to be like her. Interestingly enough, my Dad is very much a Grey Dweller. So judging by my innate "decision" to shadow Ma, I grew up putting things in my life in order...either This, or That. Always in a place.
And never removed from that place. Unless I was the one to remove it.
So, to say the least, this latest round of Change in my life came as a huge blow to my foundation, to my mind, and to my heart. (To keep it un-vague: My Mom is moving. Far away. Sad day.)
But when I read my friend's blog, I could tell that it was by the hand of my Creator, letting me know that I'm no longer a Boy (much less one belonging to his "Momma") and that life inevitably will change again. So I better damn well get used to it and learn how to deal with it.
Here's my friend's perspective:
I'm realizing slowly that life is always a transition--especially when you're a single twenty-something. Nothing is certain. It makes me really appreciate when things are as great as they are right now, but man does it scare the shit out of me that tomorrow, everything could change. Friends separate. Jobs come and go like the wind. New cities, relationships, adventures, all calling us to places far away from here and now. Then you're left with yourself. All. Alone.
My conclusion:
I need to appreciate myself, on my own, without any extras, as much as I do my circumstances. Buddha says, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
When the day comes that I love and appreciate myself as much as the people around me, it won't matter what happens, I will be content.
Man, if I could just put on those glasses before the change hits...I'd be set! I become so hurt and so offended when change comes - friends betray, parents betray, loved ones leave - that all I focus on is Me. How do I feel? Why does this happen to Me? How will My life change?
Instead of focusing on the good in my life. The constants. The ones who make me who I am. Not the ones who made me who I am. What I've done and where I've been is part of the past. While I certainly acknowledge that, appreciate it, and learn from it, I must focus on where I'm going and what is shaping me now.
And that starts with...conveniently enough...Me.
Loving Me. Appreciating Me.
Shit's gonna happen. Life ain't gonna be pretty. And that's OKAAAAAAAAAAY. Turns out, I become closer with Christ than ever before in my darkest times (if only I could recognize that in said darkest times!) When change comes, I need to use it as an opportunity to realize the Love I have in my life. The great and wonderful people around me. The blessings He has given me. That's important and that's what will keep me growing into a Man.
So instead of an empty cup of life, I'll take a full one. Keep the change, please.
Home is NOT a place. Home is the people. And I'm reminded of that daily.
Grace and Peace,
Regs
